Politically Correct Cat Definitions

The cat does not barf hairballs; he is a floor/rug redecorator.
The cat does not break things; she helps gravity do its job.

The cat does not fear dogs; they are merely sprint practice tools.

The cat does not gobble; she eats with alacrity.

The cat does not scratch; he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.

The cat does not yowl; he is singing off-key.

The cat is not a "shedding machine;" she is a hair relocation stylist.

The cat is not a "treat-seeking missile;" she enjoys the proximity of food.

The cat is not a bed hog; he is a mattress appreciator.

The cat is not a chatterbox; she is advising me on what to do next.

The cat is not a dope addict; she is catnip appreciative.

The cat is not a lap fungus; he is bed selective.

The cat is not a pest; she is attention deprived.

The cat is not a ruthless hunter; she is a wildlife control expert.

The cat is not evil; she is badness enhanced.

The cat is not fat; he is mass enhanced.

The cat is not lazy; he is motivationally challenged.

The cat is not underfoot; she is shepherding me to the next destination, the food dish.